June 9: The normal

This people, is a post on me being too emotional.

I feel sad. Not the shallow kind of sad but the dark, the deeper, the swallowing, the drowning kind of sad. It’s exhausting.

Breathing and crying at the same time is exhausting. Looking for somebody to talk to, who can listen to you is devastating. Everyone ignores you, everyone leaves you. Accepting the fact that you were never their priority makes you question your whole life over again: was I a bad person?

Looking at how afraid I am to be left alone I ask myself, why was I scared all along? The answer is I am afraid to feel left behind, I am afraid to be left alone, I am afraid to feel like all I have is myself. I need people. I need friends, not that many but I need a reasonable number of them.

You know what it feels like crying unexpectedly because you just can’t keep it to yourself anymore? You expect people to come to you and tell you things you wanted to hear. There are some, but rare are the ones who’ll stay by your side and let you whine until you can smile again. However, in my case, I have to go to people in order for them to talk to me. I have to make an effort to be listened to.

I do not know if I have to be apologetic for feeling the way I feel. But I have my reasons and I do believe they’re valid. I don’t think I have to say sorry for what I feel because it’s uncontrollable. If you don’t want me in your life anymore because of how emotional I can be, I want you to know I love you so much to be telling you honestly what I truly feel. I am so sorry for being honest.

I hope this isn’t good bye. But maybe it’s a step towards it. I don’t know to whom or to what, all I know is I’m tired, and done.


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