Let me tell you stories of how I wished I could just disappear. How I thought about ending my life to make see how people would mourn upon knowing I will never be seen nor heard, nor felt ever again. And how it ended up. not happening.
As a kid, about 7 years old. I often think about death as an opportunity for the people to reflect among themselves. Because one observation I had while observing mourning people, as they cry their hearts out saying the things they weren’t able to say, dying was a great thing for you as a person, because at that point you know everyone is talking about you. Everyone cares about you, and everyone loves you.
I think about death way too much as a child back then. But never did I attempt to end my life. Sometimes I do stupid stuff to get people to notice me. But as I grew older, it occurred to me that it was stupid. It was so childish I’d probably punch myself in the face once I go back to the past.
In high school, I’ve encountered a sudden interest in psychology related things. Especially IQ tests, logic tests, and psychological disorders, particularly bipolar disorder.
It seemed fun reading those until I realized, I could be at least one of those who acquire such, because I have been through a series of ups and downs. I was 13 but it felt so lonely I feel older, I feel like I wanted to leave our house. Whenever ny mom or dad would scold me, I always doubted myself if I was worthy of being their daughter. And sometimes I think about ending my life so they could realize how unhappy I was.
I also had suicidal thoughts whenever I feel unwanted in my group of friends. Although it’s not obvious, I’m the clingy type, not the touchy kind of thingy, but the talk to me every moment minute and second and you are not allowed to have other closest friends than me clingy. I have always thought I am this way because I am the only child, and by that I am used to being talked to all the time. So whenever I have mood swings towards my friends, there’re only two reasons, you have done something bad to me or I’m jealous.
Now in college, I can feel it more than just a simple mood swing. It’s a lonelier type of sadness. I have always felt like I were never good enough, or will never be good enough. That thought alone discouraged me to do things I should have done. I am too pressured to be everyone’s favorite that I find myself killing me. I tried pleasing everybody by being myself and I feel mocked. I just cannot pretend something I am not.
Sometimes I seek out for friends to talk to but for some reasons they always made me feel that there is always someone worthy listening to than I am. It made me feel like I’m worthless piece of shit. I never had that one solid best friend because it seems to me that everyone is leaving me for somebody better. I never felt special, I never did. I don’t know why. The feeling of being appreciated never struck me once and it’s killing.
For over the past three years, all I can think about is killing myself because I’m a nobody. I’d often think about jumping of a cliff, or cutting my wrist and I can see my friends and family mourning and telling me how thankful they are to have me. And how my friends are sorry for what they have done.
For the past three years, all I can feel is black shadow swallowing my heart. I’d always feel either super happy, super sad or emotionless. It has always been that way. I found a person (girl) who I can talk about these but she ended up being friends with someone else now. I have my legitimate best friend but she’s too busy in her laboratory. I have my gay friends but they are too busy figuring themselves out. I also have my circle of friends but I believe, and I know they do too, we are not friends made for this type of conversation.
For some this may look pathetic, but I literally can feel myself dying. And you know what I hate the most? I’m dying but nobody ever seemed to care. I’m dying but nobody ever seemed to listen. I’m dying but I’m on my own. I’m dying and people around me just let me die on my own.
I could have ended my life but it would be too selfish. I would have ended my life but it is not I who must decide. I wanted to end my life but I’m still looking for my purpose. Although I believe a fine future awaits me, I had to live as if loneliness lives somewhere inside. And only a matter of miracle can save me from this daily death.