04/01/2017

I had couple of things in my mind the whole day. Mostly about what would I do in the future, and what I really want to do. Some about how I’ll miss my classmates after graduation, some about him.

Being bloodily honest, I feel pressured. All the people around me have high hopes about my future since they saw my passion while working for chosen field, however, I don’t feel any passion right now.

I know I want to either work in events or advertising or film, but something holds me back from wanting to look for where I should work. I do not know what. Maybe because I am afraid of being in a new environment. Maybe because I am afraid people will find me too weird, or too boring. I am afraid that I might have poured every effort, energy, and creativity in the present that I have not saved enough for the future. It’s frightening.

I’m afraid I would not earn enough for my family. I’m afraid I won’t buy them a car or a decent house, or even pay the bills, and buy all our needs, or better, our wants. I’m afraid. How can I take this feeling away??

I’m thinking about how I will not be a student anymore. I’ll miss my classmates even though we’re not that close, we have shared a special bond. The kind of bond that makes us special, especially in our dean’s eyes. He he he.

Lastly, I am thinking about him. Again. It’s exhausting, a fun kind of it. Not to mention, a stupid kind of it. I know there will be no reciprocation of feelings or whatsoever, but I really feel that there’s a slight chance between us. Crazy!! I know! I know you find it funny (if ever you already know), but the truth is usually funny. And now I’m laughing at myself. And I’m sure you are laughing too.

You are laughing because this is not me, this is not how you knew me. And I guess feelings do change people, even friends, it can also take friendships away from people. I don’t want that to happen.

I just want to make sure we’ll still be friends even if you knew, and uhm, this sounds selfish but, will you wait for me to move on before you fall for somebody else? That would be very nice.

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