You should know better

For months, I have been in a constant intrapersonal battle whether should I tell you how I really feel or not. For some, this would be something petty, but for me it’s asking yourself whether you want to be free of the agonizing pain of hiding something from someone, or whether you prefer playing stupid all the time assuming that you won’t be obvious every time you smile when he messages you.

I have to choose. I must.

Either way, I know it will hurt but each choice has its bright side. If I choose to tell you, this means I’m free from the should I‘s. If I finally told you, I won’t bother myself asking should I tell you or not. And by the time I’ll tell you there could only be two things: you feel the same way, or you don’t (I’m rooting for the first answer, please). If you do then we’ll talk things out; and if you don’t, I’ll cry my heart out and be friends with you after wards. If I decided not to tell you, we will not be awkward, we’ll stay the way we are; and I don’t have to undergo the nerve-wracking confession scene.

Some friends told me to tell you, because that’s the only way to give myself a peace of mind. Even though I won’t be able to get the response I want, at least I know the truth. Some friends told me not to tell you, in that way we won’t be awkward with each other, especially if I finally moved on with what I feel.

What do I think? Would I tell you or not?

I like to tell you, but I can’t risk what we have right now. But I can’t stand other girls calling you petnames. I can go to sleep every night thinking that tomorrow you’ll still be my friend, but I can’t stand seeing girls drool over you. I don’t even have the right to be jealous because you are not even mine to begin with.

If I were to tell you, what would I say? Maybe I’d say I never found you physically attractive. I’m not as shallow as you are. The thing I liked most about you is your ability to bring people the best in them even in their gloomiest moment. I liked you because you made me feel loved, the feeling I never have received with anyone. It feels nice to know that even as friend, you love me.

I want you to know you deserve better. Everybody deserves better. Don’t settle for someone just because you think she’s ‘the’, because every guy fall for her. Stop telling me you like her because she’s beauty and brains, if I know you fell for her beauty, her brain and attitude came after that. She deserves someone who will like her for who she is as a whole, not partly. And you, you deserve to be loved the way you should be. You deserve someone who won’t look at any other person than you. You deserve someone who will pour her heart out to you, only to you because that’s what love should be. Needless to say, you don’t deserve someone like her.

You’re confident that after all these time she’ll be after you, I don’t know what destiny has to offer you, but if she manages to show interest with other guys while you think she’s still into you, then you might as well look for someone who can devote their time and attention only to you. Someone who can be loyal to you.

I wish I can be that person for you. Actually, I can be that person, the only problem is, you don’t want me to be that person. I get it that guys are into challenging girls, and I appear to be easy to get. Actually, people become easy to get if the right person aims to get them.

As of this moment, I can’t stand seeing other girls like you. But they say you’re cute then who am I to judge? I wish you’d know how special you are to me, and how corny I get when my friends and I talk about you. I wish you could see my smiles whenever we have interactions. I wish you could see me the way you see her. I just wish you knew better.

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